The smell of rain

Romeo

Though optimistic, I am not blind to the reality of pancreatic cancer (pc). It has one of the lowest survival rates of all the cancers. Just 6% of patients survive beyond five years. Astronaut Sally Ride succumbed to pc at age 61, seventeen months after her initial diagnosis. My oncological surgeon cheerfully told me that I have a 50% chance for two years and 25% for five years or more.

In the face of what is essentially a death sentence, one can hardly avoid becoming an existentialist. Once the shock of a terminal diagnosis passes, there is a growing sense of urgency. So little time! I must do something. But... what should I do?

As noted previously on this blog, I have enjoyed a life of fulfillment, with a good measure of adventure and accomplishment–no regrets, no important goals unrealized, few desires unfulfilled. My "bucket list" is actually quite short, and for the most part contains frivolous indulgences, e.g., riding a Segway personal transporter.

Maybe all I really need is to practice enjoying each day as it comes–reveling in the taste of barbecue, the company of family and friends, the care of Romeo, the smell of rain, the lyrics of Leonard Cohen, a joyful walk in the woods, the pursuit of Spirit...

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One year

On July 4th, 2011, I first noticed the jaundice that heralded my pc adventure. Once diagnosed, everyone said the treatment and recovery would take a year.

After stents, pre-op radiation/chemo, Whipple procedure, wound-vac, post-op chemo, and the umpteenth CT scan... On July 3rd, 2012, exactly 366 days later (a leap year :-), I received the "final"  diagnosis. Talk about precision–one year to the day!

The results? Negative, which in medical parlance means good.

So, I'm out of the woods for now and once again unleashed upon the world. I am undecided where to turn next, but if I'm headed to your neck of the woods in pursuit of my bucket list, I promise to give you fair warning.

Thank you for your love and support over the past year.

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Life after Life ~ Part II

Nota Bene: If you want to do this right...

please scroll down and read the previous post

before reading this one. Tx.

What do I hope for in life after death?

Hmm... I'm just beginning to realize what a perplexing assignment this is.

For starters, I can only think within the limitations of my present human context. Surely, my thought processes will be more imaginative when I reach the other side, but for now I'm stuck with who I am and what I know. Which points the way for the first wish for the afterlife, i.e., freedom from the limitations of my Earthly body and brain.

That aside, what do I hope for? Absolute contentment. I want to smile like the Buddha, basking in complete knowledge and understanding. I want to be mutually in love with the Universe. I want to know God–if there is one. I want to be free of care and fulfilled in every way.

Or... maybe...

On second thought, this scenario seems equally as dull and boring as an eternity strumming a harp while wafting about Heaven seated upon a cloud.

The German philosopher Authur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860) developed a rather pessimistic world view based upon his observation that human desires can never be fully satisfied. However, it seems to me that a static state of satisfaction is a patently asinine objective. The essence of life is in the banquet that takes you from hunger to fulfilled, the sleep that restores your energy, the exercise of skills that brings you back to safety from a risky adventure, and the caresses that assuage your sexual desire. It is the ups and downs, the in-betweens that give life its meaning.

Should it be any different in the afterlife?

The most common Christian epitaph is "Rest in Peace". For starters, after a life of discomfort and pain, contention and frustration, to simply lie in peaceful repose might be rather tempting... for a while.

A very perceptive young woman once told me she had three requirements for happiness: Something interesting to do. Something to look forward to. Someone to love. None of these is a goal, as such. Not places of respite, nor states of satisfaction. They are dynamic and unfulfilled–journeys, not destinations.

So, where does this leave me? Absolute contentment is still a worthy objective, but I'd want to earn it. To deserve it through thoughtful inquiry and earnest study. To suffer frustration as well as achievement in the process. To learn to heal and love myself and others. To approach God, but slowly... After all, what's time to a seeker who has all of eternity?

So give me a heavenly library, scholars to interview, and time to meditate. Give me kindred souls to love and be loved by in return. Introduce me to God–but not right away.

Yin-Yang

Postscript: I do not practice any religion, but I must admit that Taoism makes the most sense to me. Ergo, my prospective life after life is strongly colored by the tenets of Lao Tzu. What can I say? I am what I am.

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