Marley's rules

Almost every morning of the world I go walking in the woods with my friend Marley, a pure-bred female Rottweiler. I would use the proper term for a female canine but it reminds me of my ex-wife. [The ladies just quit reading, so it's just us guys.] Marley and I enjoy the luxury of 20 miles of trails on 200 wooded acres near Waxhaw, NC. Marley doesn't talk, but she can communicate and over the past year or so I've come to understand her rules for a walk in the woods.

Rule Number One: No friggin' leash! Nothing spoils a good walk more completely than being tethered to your walking partner. Being connected might be reassuring on a space walk and even necessary if Marley and I were in a public park. But here in our private forest she wants the freedom to romp here & there–and I want the freedom not to be yanked to my knees when she does so.

NB: Yeah, yeah... there are those who assert that the creatures of the forest deserve the right to be free from the chase, perhaps while listening to J. S. Bach's Sheep may safely graze on their MP3 players. Come on! The white tail deer are way faster than Marley and Nature provides her favorite prey –Squirrel!– with an escape route up every tree. In any case I would maintain that a sporting chase by a dog keeps the critters alert and fit for the real peril when the hunters arrive in the fall. 

Rule Number Two: No talking! What's the use anyway, since Marley only understands two words: "Walk" and "Eat." I have to spell out w-a-l-k unless I'm ready to hit the trail and I think she's even beginning to catch on to that. On the trail I don't utter a single word. She's taught me that a walk in the woods is about experiencing the forest with your own senses in accordance with your particular personal proclivities. [Sorry, but I'm an avid alliterator.] To her credit, Marley doesn't speak either. She never barks or tries to align my consciousness with hers by saying things like, "Hey, look at that spider web!" or "Did you hear that crow?" or "What pretty flowers!"

Rule Number Three: No touching! The sensory experience of the forest is intended primarily for three modalities: sight, smell, and hearing. If someone touches you, it distracts from your focus on seeing, smelling, and hearing. Okay, it might be all-right to hold hands on a walk in the woods, but then it becomes something else... For Marley touching is okay later when we're lounging by the fire or watching TV. She is indeed willing to demonstrate to all the world that a 90-pound Rottweiler makes a perfectly good lap dog, far better than a puny little Chihuahua. Really!

Rule Number Four: No eating! As much as 90% of taste is actually smell. So eating while walking masks the smells of the forest. If you're munching on a tuna sandwich, how can you smell the wild flowers, the decaying leaves, or the wild plums fermenting in the sun? Or the trail of a squirrel? When we've finished, it is of course okay to eat. Since our walk is meant to satisfy our hunting instincts, it's only proper to enjoy our kill –of bacon, eggs and grits.

NB: There is of course a rule against smoking, but it's a non issue since neither Marley nor I smoke. And in any case, that's the bear's rule, not Marley's.

Marley's rules are guaranteed to increase the enjoyment of your walk in the forest. And if you want to walk with us, the rules will be obeyed!

~~~ * ~~~